i think im moving but i go nowhere.

okaye. i'll hafta warn you darling readers cus im predicting at dis moment that this entry will contain a high level of emocrap. so if u cant try to at least just listen to what i've to say or jz hav smtg nice to say, i suggest you leave.

tears were leaking frm the corner of my eyes while trying to get to slp last thurs. idk why but sumhw, flashbacks about hw i was made a dumb fool kept creeping into my mind. it had been so long since i last cried myself to bed & i was jz nt getting used to wetting my pillow again. bt i cant pushed out those ugly thoughts. bt i eventually fell aslp, thank god.

i woke ytd with mixed feelings. i managed to convince myself dat i was jz merely PMSing. i was trying all sorts of ways to find an avenue where i can cry my hearts out. cus there was jz dis feeling in me which was waiting to explode, like a TNT. dat was when i went to watch The Leap Years with 2 ppl whom i cant disclose their identities. lets jz call them A & B. the movie was awesome, nt only bcus i cud finally find a reason to cry, i was glad i cud cry freely, without having anyone to stop me. bt one conv with A still managed to make me giggle in the movie theatre.

A: eh Atiqa, kau nangis per?
Me: crite die sedih dok.
A: ye ker? tkde pape pun aku tgk.
A: -.-

it turned out B was oso crying in the theatres. bt yeah, jz a random fact. so i sent A hm & walked to TohGuan, to my aunt's place. once again, tears started rolling cus sumwhr deep in my heart, i was feeling really hurt. frm then on, i started doubting myself. were they the dumb ones or is it simply, me? as much as i wanna believe that its them, my heart says its jz me. & i cant deny the fact that i was the one. it just doesnt pay to be nice, you knw. esp when you get nothing but hurtful remarks in return. sat at the voideck to wait for sis. those typical matreps hanging arnd at the voideck didnt make me feel betta either. with their tattoo-filled arms, hair dyed with that golden monkey colour, with their trance songs blasting frm their bicycles & piercing which looks so out of place, i wished they had took me away & jz strip me off my dignity. it's jz nt worth living if all you feel is unhappiness all arnd. cousins thought i was sick cus apparently, my face doesnt lie quite as well as my heart do. i reached hm, feeling very vulnerable. i cudnt take it wen Papa drove me out of his rm, when i knw he was jz goofing arnd. i had tears in my eyes bt i insisted on staying at the living rm cus i wanna watch the Finals for Hell's Kitchen. & at bout 1 in the morning, my tear pipes went loose & there i went, drowning in my own tears. as i wrote dwn every single word, i wished things were nt as bad as what it seems. i cud hav filled up buckets, i tell ya. i cudnt take the pain anymore. i cried myself to sleep.

i woke up today with a throbbing pain in my head & swollen eyes. i didnt wanna stay at home & get all emo cus i knw its nt gonna help. so i went out, with hopes of nt feeling dwn anymore. settled some stuff & met Eirah. & she immediately knew i cried my eyes out the night before. bt as usual, she'll never fail to make me laugh real hard with her funny antics & it jz perks me up. the whole time, in my head, i kept wondering. is it really over btw me & them? i dun wanna lose them bt im in no control to prevent circumstances frm taking place. im jz crossing my fingers nw.

okaye. i think this entry is long enuf. im feeling all feverish ryte nw but i'll still drag myself out tmr for the Dikir Comp @ YCK tmr cus i've promised some ppl that i'll be der. so yeah. good luck.

but it doesn't entitle you to go around breaking hearts as you wish.

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